The Day They Told Me Adrián Was “Acting Normal” at School

A good friend of Adrián told me at pick-up “Adrián, Is SO tired, but he was acting normal all day.”

“What do you mean, ‘acting normal’?” I asked..

“You know… making eye contact. Not stimming. Sitting still. Acting like other kids.”

My heart broke. Because I realized: my son was masking. And he was exhausted from it.

That conversation changed everything for our family. It’s why Luis and I became obsessed with creating mask-free zones, spaces where Adrián (and now Guille) never have to pretend to be anything other than exactly who they are.

If your autistic child is exhausted, withdrawn, or having meltdowns after seemingly “good” days, masking might be why. And creating mask-free zones might be the answer.

What IS Masking? (And Why It’s So Exhausting)

Masking is when autistic people hide or suppress their natural autistic traits to fit in with neurotypical expectations.

It looks like:

  • Forcing eye contact when it’s uncomfortable

  • Suppressing stims (no hand-flapping, no rocking, no vocal sounds)

  • Scripting conversations instead of speaking naturally

  • Pretending to understand social cues they actually don’t get

  • Hiding sensory sensitivities

  • Mirroring others’ body language and expressions

  • Acting interested in things they find boring.

And here’s the cost: It’s exhausting!

Imagine spending every moment of your day monitoring your body language, your facial expressions, your tone of voice. Imagine suppressing your natural movements and responses. Imagine translating every social interaction like you’re speaking a foreign language.

That’s what masking feels like. And that’s what Adrián was doing all day, every day, at school.

Why Kids Mask

Adrián didn’t consciously decide one day to start masking. It happened gradually.

He learned that:

  • Adults praised him when he made eye contact

  • Kids stopped staring when he stopped stimming

  • Adults thought he was “doing better” when he sat still

  • People were nicer to him when he “acted normal”

So he learned to hide who he really was to make others more comfortable.

And the heartbreaking part? He thought this was what he was supposed to do…

The Signs Your Child Might Be Masking

I didn’t recognize Adrián’s masking for years because at school, he seemed “fine.” His teachers said he was doing well. He wasn’t having meltdowns there…

But at home? Different story.

The After-School Collapse

Within 20 minutes of getting home, specially in the early years Adrián would have a meltdown. Over tiny things, wrong snack, homework, his brother existing……

I thought, “Why does he save all this for me?”

Now I know: He was holding it together all day, and home was the only place safe enough to fall apart.

The Weekend Shutdown

Fridays through Sundays, Adrián would barely speak. He’d retreat to his room, avoid family activities, resist any plans.

I worried he was depressed…

But he was recovering from a week of masking. He needed that quiet, that solitude, that lack of demands.

The Loss of Authentic Interests

Adrián stopped talking about trains at school, his biggest passion, because other kids didn’t share that interest……

He’d come home and talk about popular shows he didn’t even like, repeating things he’d heard other kids say……

He was losing himself trying to fit in.……

Physical Symptoms

Headaches. Stomach aches. Trouble sleeping. These all increased during the school year and eased during breaks.

Masking isn’t just emotionally exhausting, it’s physically draining.

Creating Mask-Free Zones at Home

Once I understood what was happening, Luis and I committed to making our home a place where masking was never necessary.

Rule #1: Stimming Is Always Welcome

Before: “Adrián, hands still.” “Stop making that sound.” “Sit properly.”……

Now: Our home is a stim-friendly zone. Hand-flapping? Great. Vocal sounds? Go for it. Pacing while thinking? Perfect.

We don’t just allow stimming, we celebrate it as part of who he is.

Guille watches his brother stim freely and is learning that his own stims (spinning, jumping, echolalia) are perfectly okay too.

Rule #2: No Forced Eye Contact

In our home, you never have to look at someone to show you’re listening. ( I do this all the time as an Autistic Adult)

Luis and I have learned to trust that Adrián is paying attention even when he’s looking away, building LEGO, or lying on the floor.

Sometimes his best conversations happen while he’s doing something else with his hands.

Rule #3: Honest Answers Are Valued

“How was your day?”……

Before, Adrián would say: “Fine.”…

Now, he might say: “Loud and overwhelming. I’m glad to be home.”

We don’t pressure him to be positive or polite. We want honesty. Even if that honesty is “I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

Rule #4: Special Interests Are Treasured

Adrián can talk about Roman history for an hour, and we listen. Not politely waiting for him to finish, but actually interested because his passion is beautiful.

When he brings home a new fact about steam engines, we don’t redirect. We engage.

His special interests aren’t annoying quirks to manage. They’re windows into what makes him amazing.

Rule #5: “No” Is a Complete Sentence

Family gathering? “Can I stay home?”…… Trying a new food? “No thanks.”…… Hug from a relative? “I’d rather not.”……

In our home, Adrián doesn’t have to justify his boundaries. We trust that he knows what he needs.

The Physical Space Matters Too

Adrián’s room is his ultimate mask-free zone:

  • Dim lighting (he controls it)

  • His collections displayed proudly (trains, historical figures, maps)

  • Comfortable clothing only (tags cut out, soft fabrics)

  • Sensory tools within reach

  • No expectations for organization (his “mess” makes sense to him).

This is HIS space. We don’t impose our neurotypical preferences on it.

What About School? (Can We Create Mask-Free Zones There?)

Here’s the harder truth: school is where masking happens most intensely.

But Luis and I have worked with Adrián’s teachers to create moments of mask-free time, even in that environment, they are experienced and have given us peace of mind and working along with the therapists and us parents has been a life-saver:

What We’ve Agreed together (Teacher-Therapist-Parents):

✓ Fidget tools during class – Adrián can use a fidget while listening. It helps him focus, not distract him……

✓ Movement breaks – Built into the schedule, not earned through “good behavior”……

✓ Alternative seating – Specially younger, Adrián uses a wobble cushion instead of sitting rigidly still……

✓ Reduced eye contact expectations – His teacher understands he’s listening even when not looking……

✓ A quiet lunch option – Instead of the overwhelming cafeteria, he can eat in the library with a small group……

✓ Special interest integration – When possible, assignments connect to his interests (he did a history project on trains and thrived)……

✓ Acceptance of stims – As long as he’s not disrupting others’ learning, his stims are welcomed……

The Conversation With Teachers

Luckily we never tiptoe around asking for accommodations, worried about being “that parent.”……

We believe a honest and truthful conversation with teachers is the best way to go.

“Adrián masks heavily at school to meet neurotypical expectations. It’s exhausting for him and leads to meltdowns at home. Can we work together to reduce the need for masking during the school day?”

You might find that some teachers get it immediately. Others need ideas and tips. But starting the conversation has made a huge difference……

For Educators: How to Create Mask-Free Moments

If you’re a teacher reading this, here’s what would help autistic students in your classroom:……

Start With Awareness

Recognize that the “well-behaved” autistic student who never causes problems might be masking intensely, and paying a huge price for it.

Build In Regulation Time

Don’t make breaks something kids have to earn. Build them into the day for everyone.

Adrián’s best teacher had a “sensory break” built into the schedule every 90 minutes. ALL students benefited, not just the autistic ones.

Challenge Your Own Expectations

Does a student really need to make eye contact to show respect? Do they really need to sit completely still to be learning?

Often, we’re requiring masking without realizing it.

Create Quiet Options

Not every child thrives in group activities or loud environments. Having a quiet alternative isn’t “special treatment”, it’s meeting different needs.

Celebrate Neurodiversity

When you openly value different ways of thinking, moving, and being in your classroom, you send the message that masking isn’t required.

Display neurodiversity-affirming posters. Read books with autistic characters. Talk about different learning styles as equally valid.

This benefits all students, not just autistic ones.

The Cost of Masking (Why This Matters So Much)

I want to be clear about something: masking isn’t harmless.Research shows that prolonged masking is linked to:

  • Burnout and exhaustion

  • Anxiety and depression

  • Loss of identity and sense of self

  • Delayed recognition of one’s own needs

  • Increased risk of suicide in autistic adults..

When Adrián tells me he is “tired of acting normal,” that was a warning sign……

Creating mask-free zones isn’t just about comfort. It’s about mental health. It’s about allowing our kids to know and be themselves.

What You Can Do Today: 5 Steps to Honor Your Child’s True Self

These are the shifts I wish I had made sooner. They’re not about fixing your child, but about changing the environment to let their true self shine.

1. Recognize the Masking
Notice the pattern of “good days at school / meltdowns at home.” It’s not defiance, it’s often the exhausting cost of masking all day. That meltdown is the backpack of anxiety finally being unpacked.

2. Declare Home a Mask-Free Zone
Tell them, explicitly and often: “You never have to hide who you are in this house.” This verbal permission can be a profound relief.

3. Model Your Own Authenticity
After my own diagnosis, I stopped masking my own autistic traits at home. When he saw me stim, or need quiet, or be blunt about my feelings, it gave him silent, powerful permission to do the same.

4. Advocate Boldly, Not Apologetically
I was too worried about being a “difficult parent.” I wish I’d pushed harder, sooner, for the supports he needed. You are not being difficult; you are being necessary.

5. Celebrate, Don’t Just Tolerate
Move beyond allowing his traits to actively celebrating them. That intense focus? It’s passion. That need for routine? It’s brilliant foresight. Name the strength behind the behavior.

Resources That Have Helped Us

If you’re realizing your child has been masking and you want to create safer spaces for them, here’s what has genuinely helped our family:

📚 Autism: My Invisible Backpack – This book explores masking from Adrián’s perspective and includes strategies for creating mask-free zones.

And we’ve created FREE downloadable resources including:

  • Creating Mask-Free Zones guide

  • Accommodations request template for schools

  • Recognizing masking checklist

  • Building authentic confidence activities……

Your child shouldn’t have to earn the right to be themselves. They should know it’s a given, at least in the spaces you control.

With love and authenticity,
Dalisse (& Luis)
Loving Pieces Books

💙 Does your child mask? How do you create safe spaces for authenticity? Share with our community, we’re all learning together. Find us on Instagram @lovingpiecesbooks or explore more resources at lovingpiecesbooks.com.