Our first Friends-Giving was a disaster.
We hosted. We thought we were “ready enough.”
We were not.

Within an hour, Adrián was hiding in his room with tears in his eyes, Guille had not been born yet, and Luis and I were exchanging those silent parent glances that say, Abort mission. This is not working.

We were hosting our friends… in our own home… and still drowning.

That night, after everyone left, we sat on the couch in complete silence and made a promise to ourselves:

Never again will we walk into a big gathering, especially one we’re hosting, without preparing Adrián.

We decided to give it another try, many years later and Guillermo now was in the mix.

But this time … we changed everything.

And the wild part: it only took about two hours of prep, spread out over a couple of days. No full-project production. No crafts. No “special-needs mom over the top” energy. Just clear, practical steps that protected our kids and saved the entire event.

If you’re hosting a holiday, birthday, Friends-Giving, Thanksgiving Dinners or any gathering where your autistic kids will be surrounded by adults, noise, food, expectations, and unpredictability…

this is the system that finally worked for us.

Why Hosting Friends-Giving Is Actually Harder Than Attending

People assume it’s easier when the gathering is in your own home.

False.

Hosting means:

  • Your kids’ safe space becomes the social space.

  • Their predictable environment becomes unpredictable.

  • People roam every room unless you control it.

  • Smells, sounds, and conversations multiply.

  • You’re trying to attend to guests and your kids simultaneously.

  • No easy exit option when things go sideways.

But, guess what? We as a family love to host!!! For Adri, hosting Friends-Giving felt like an invasion of everything familiar.
For Guille, it was too many people in too many places doing too many things.

So our entire mindset shifted:

Instead of forcing our kids to adjust to the event, we adjusted the event to our kids, and it was the best think we could plan to do.

Here’s the exact breakdown of what we did. Copy it, adapt it, or steal it completely. It worked (for us).

The first thing we did was to Create the “Friends-Giving Map” (30 minutes)

Because we were hosting, we made a visual map of exactly what Friends-Giving would look like in our own home. This predictable sequence was a life-saver. It was a simple PPT we did nothing fancy or hyper-realistic…

Ours included photos of:

  • The kitchen (“People will be cooking and talking here.”)

  • The living room (“Our friends will sit here.”)

  • The dining table (“We will eat together here.”)

  • Adri’s room (“You can take breaks here anytime.”)

  • Guille’s room (“You can play here if you need space.”)

  • The payroom (“where all the kids will play together.”)

  • The backyard (“We might step outside if it gets loud.”)

We walked the boys through it every night for three nights.

No fancy program. We downloaded it on my phone.

Key detail:
We explicitly included the rule:
“You can leave the busy space whenever you want, your safe space will be your room.”

Just knowing they had an escape made them willing to stay longer. And Adrián was excited he loves when his friends come over.

Now continue by Prep the Sensory Zones (20 minutes)

Yes, zones, plural. Hosting requires more than a backpack.

We set up three predictable sensory stations:

1. The Quiet Room (Adri’s or Guille’s bedroom)

  • TV breaks

  • Weighted blanket

  • Fidgets

  • Tablet with downloaded shows

  • They are allowed to close the door if needed (They cant lock themselves in the rooms have no locks)

2. Guille’s Comfort Corner

In the playroom we have a tent and it fit one so this becomes his little nook we usually set it behind the sofa with:

  • His squishy toys

  • Chewy bracelet

  • Pillows

  • Play-Dough

Sensory Products we love: Click here

3. The Kitchen Helper Station- Guille loves this

Because both kids like purpose, not chaos:

  • A bowl they could help mix

  • A “safe job” they could do if they wanted to engage

  • Zero pressure to participate

  • Guille has a little Stool like this one Click here, and he senses it like his fort. Plus he is very good at cooking.

Each zone was ready before anyone arrived.

Next up: Solve the Food Pressure Before It Starts (40 minutes)

Hosting means your food becomes the center of attention, and so does what your kids eat or don’t eat. I love cooking, I could be all day in the kitchen, I hyper-focus and create a good plate. But my kids don’t even try my food some days … It’s ok, I have learned not to take it personally.

SO what we did with food is we eliminated that problem with one uncompromising rule:

We serve regular Friends-Giving food for guests.
We serve safe food for the kids.
Zero apologies.

We told our friends ahead of time:
“Adri and Guille will have their safe foods available, so they may not eat the Friends-Giving meal. Just ignore their plates, we’ve got it covered.”

People appreciated the clarity.

Our boys’ plates included:

  • Plain pasta

  • Plain chicken

  • Their preferred crackers

  • Fruit slices

  • Familiar dessert from home

They ate what worked for them.
Everyone else ate turkey and sides.
No tension. No commentary. No guilt. And guess what many of the other kids preferred the safe-food so it felt very normal, I loved that!

This one is harder … Establish Guest Rules (15 minutes)

This was new for us, and a game changer.
Because hosting means you need to protect your kids from well-meaning adults.

We sent one clear message in our group chat:

“Please know that Adri and Guille might need some alone time so they will go up their rooms and come back down when they are ready.
We’ll guide them as needed. Thanks for helping us make this day comfortable for them.”

Did it feel awkward to send? Not really, they were our closest friends, they know us and know our kids it more a reminder than a “rule”.

We also:

  • Blocked off the kids’ bedrooms.

  • Asked guests not to force hugs or kisses.

  • Let everyone know we’d be doing “quiet breaks” throughout the day.

When you set expectations early, guests adapt.

We also Practice Micro Scripts (15 minutes)

Five minutes a night, three nights in a row.

We practiced:

  • How to say hello

  • How to decline hugs

  • How to ask for breaks

  • How to tell us when they were done

  • How to answer basic questions with one-sentence replies

We practiced exactly these phrases:

“I’m not ready to talk right now.”
“No thank you, I don’t want a hug.”
“I need a break in my room.”
“I’ll play later.”

This tiny rehearsal gave them huge confidence on the actual day.

Day-Of Strategies That Actually Worked

Even with prep, the day requires strategy. Here’s what made the difference:

1. This one happened without planning

Friends came in waves, not all at once.
This prevented that “sudden invasion” feeling for the kids.

2. We Protected the Quiet Room

No adults in there.
No kids wandering in.
Zero exceptions.

3. We Scheduled Breaks

Every hour, we quietly checked in with each boy:
“Do you need break time?”

Sometimes yes.
Sometimes no.
But the check-in prevented overwhelm.

4. We Abandoned the “host perfection” mindset

We hosted a comfortable gathering, not a performance.

If the kids needed to disappear for an hour, that was success. If they needed the tablet we let them be.
If they checked in but didn’t stay long, also success.

5. We Ended the Day Without Guilt

When Adri gave us the signal… “I’m done”, we gently wrapped up Friends-Giving.
We didn’t push.
We didn’t negotiate.
We ended on a good note. He went to his room and that was it. We kept enjoying our friends and family.

What Success Looked Like For Our Family

Both boys:

  • Ate their safe foods

  • Took multiple breaks

  • Spent time with guests in short bursts

  • Avoided meltdowns

  • Ended the day regulated instead of exhausted

And we got to enjoy our friends without constantly managing crises.

That is success.
Not picture-perfect.
Not neurotypical-looking.
Just peaceful, predictable, and human. And I want to host as many dinners I can it’s something that we like doing, and my kids are also social they feel happy when they see their friends coming into their homes and lives, and that makes us whole.

For Anyone Hosting With Autistic Kids

Here’s the blunt truth:
You cannot host a big gathering successfully unless you prepare your kids AND your guests.

Not preparing is what creates the chaos.
Not communication.
Not autism.

When you control the environment, set boundaries, and make the day predictable, your kids thrive and your guests actually enjoy being with you.

And you?
You finally get to enjoy your own Friends-Giving instead of surviving it.

With care, clarity, and compassion,
Dalisse